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The 2012 Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of  the human genome 

by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it...

'Survival of the Fittest' states those best suited to their environment will have a better chance of survival and will therefore pass on their genes to the next generation. Unfortunately, (or fortunately) human advancements in science, medicine and technology have countered the effects of survival of the fittest in Homo sapiens, meaning that any moron is free to survive and pass on his moron genes to his moron offspring. But wait all is not lost, as long as there is stupidity, there will be people taking themselves out of the gene pool in a range of idiotic antics and accidents. Yes it's that time of year again and here are the top ten Darwin Award winners for 2011.

10. Shockingly Stupid

Brazilian municipal guard, Arthur de Souza Coelho, was tired of the frequent car robberies that took place in his neighborhood. So what was his genius solution to protect his car? Put a small electric fence around his automobile of course. Seems like a pretty decent idea, unless you forget about the said fence and leave it on. Yes, Arthur wasn't the brightest penny; he left his fence on, forgot about it and died of electrocution. What an idiot!

9. Roasted Nuts?

A seriously feckless 17-year old from Pennsylvania with horrific injuries told police he sustained them when an explosive device hidden in his backpack by unknown persons detonated. The teenager had actually found an M-80 explosive at a relative's house and decided to take it home so he could repeatedly light and extinguish the fuse on the powerful explosive. Wait, as hard as it is to believe he gets even more stupid. After many times of lighting the fuse, he found that on one occasion he couldn't put it out. So instead of retreating to a safe distance, this moron planted the M-80 between his thighs and covered it with his hand, losing his hand, his right leg and his ability to reproduce, taking himself out of the gene pool...thankfully.

8. More Bang for your Gum

A 25-year-old chemistry student from Russia, who certainly should have known better, had a rather unusual habit of storing his chewing gum in citric acid flavor liquid he had squirreled away from the lab. Maybe he liked the nice citrus tang it provided, or maybe he was just a bit of a simpleton. One day while working in his computer at home, paying little attention to the stolen chemicals around him, he dropped his chewing gum into an unidentified substance and back in his mouth. BANG!! A loud pop was heard coming from his room as the lower part of his face was blown off. The explosive chemical was never identified, so let this be a warning to you kids, be extra vigilant because it is obviously very easy to confuse highly toxic chemicals for a tasty treat.

7. Bee-at That!

A Brazilian farmer, tired of the beehive in his orange tree, decided he would remove the hive himself. He had no clue on how to remove a beehive but that didn’t stop him. He somehow knew that bees do sting and figured the hive should be burned. So to protect his delicate head from troublesome bee stings and smoke he tied a plastic bag around his head and set the beehive alight. However, the plastic bag also “protected” him from oxygen and he suffocated to death. If you are going to fight bees with a plastic bag on your head, put holes in the bag at least...be slightly less on an idiot.

6. Upside down Kick

A 23-year-old bar-brawler, who had clearly took too many hits to the head, who had been forcibly removed from the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, crept back in and leaped off a staircase aiming his kick at another man. But, he was killed when the idiot took one last hit on his head when he landed on it. ...And yes, that is his winkie peeking through the tear in his pants.

5. Awful Acrobat

Molly and her husband had rented a room in a local motel for some after dark activities. The second floor room had a balcony with safety railing, which Molly made a beeline for. The former high school gymnast (or something) decided to demonstrate some of her former skills as her husband looked on. She did a flip onto the safety railing for a handstand and toppled straight over the other side onto the concrete patio 15 feet below, dying instantly. Some people huh?

4. Pull the Plug... or Not

The Police was called to an Austrian apartment which appeared to have the legs of a corpse sticking out of the window. On entering the apartment they found the dead man's head soaking in a sink full of hot water. The deceased man, after a night of drinking, decided to slip back into his apartment by sneaking through the kitchen window. Being a fixed window it would only open so far so he got stuck with his head at the sink. While thrashing about trying to get free he turned on the tap and drowned in the sink. Police were puzzled why he simply didn't turn off the tap, pull the plug to the sink or even just enter his apartment through the front door as he had the key in his pocket. A man that stupid should not be drinking, or left unsupervised...ever!

3. Any Hole is a Goal

Lonely loser Xian, ambling through the LanTian Park in Hong Kong, noticed a seductive looking bench; by which I mean it had several enticing looking holes. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Xian decided to offer the bench, and in turn himself, some sexual pleasure. Unfortunately for Xian (and the bench) once he became fully aroused by the sexy bench he found his penis was trapped in the hole. Police and doctors were called to the scene, but emergency workers had to cut the entire bench free so it could be taken to the hospital. Xian and his lover were later to be parted in a 4 hour procedure. Hopefully, lack of sufficient blood flow has stopped Xian's penis from working effectively, because this man should not procreate.

2. Re-eel-y?

We are still in Hong Kong for number 2 on the countdown of people unequipped for life. Most remove themselves from the gene pool on spectacular ways stopping their idiotic traits from persisting in our species. But this man survived with his ability to reproduce intact. However, this guy is so inept he would be lucky ever to get a lady to lay down with him. So our man enters in the emergency services complaining of intense abdominal pain. Doctors X-rayed the man and were shocked to find what appeared to be an eel inside his colon. And yes it was an eel; the mystery moron has been suffering constipation and he thought inserting an eel directly into the location of the problem might solve it. He was rushed to surgery to have the 50cm eel removed that had been chomping down on bits of his colon and rectum. What an arse!

1. The Dancing Douche (with the Big Package)

Paramedics were called to a nightclub in Salt Lake City, Utah, to find a young man passed out on the dance floor. His bluish coloring suggested that he had suffered a heart attack due to lack of oxygen; he died en route to hospital. The cause of his heart attack was determined in the operating room; the young man had stapled a roll of quarters to his crotch in the attempt to make his 'package' appear larger. But, whoops, he tied the roll of quarters to himself using surgical tubing, (strong and elastic) which had cut of the circulation to his leg. Lack of blood flow and the cardio-workout of the dancing had triggered the fatal heart attack. His brain wasn't in his trousers, as he didn't appear to have one.

Text and images via The List Cafe

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The best of the worst travel behaviour in 2011

DOUGLAS MCARTHUR
From The Globe and Mail
Last updated Thursday, Jan. 05, 2012 10:40AM EST
Air travel was once an elegant affair, as the TV show Pan Am reminds us. Flash-forward to 2011, when seeing the world meant crowded airports, foodless flights, pat-downs, body scans and fees for checked baggage. And then there were the kooks and crazies who created chaos along the way. In honour of their mishaps and misadventures, we present the 27th annual Travel Hall of Infamy Awards.

Don't worry, it's not loaded...

Image via Red Dog Report

The 'Oh Shoot' Award

… goes to Edward Deubler, a big shot in U.S. hunting organizations. Flying out of Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport, he planned to carry his hunting rifle as hand luggage. At the request of a United Airlines ticket agent, Deubler attempted to demonstrate that the weapon wasn't loaded. Turns out it was. It went off, piercing the baggage scale and sending the agent to hospital with a shrapnel wound.

Don't mess with Delta!

Image via Pass/Fail

The 'Penalty for Boarding' Award

… goes to members of Russia's junior hockey team. Giddy with delight after defeating Canada at the world championships in Buffalo, they whooped it up in a hotel bar. Come time for their flight to Moscow the next morning, some players were so intoxicated that they needed an assist to get on the airport bus. No sooner had the players scrambled aboard their airplane than Delta Air Lines staff kicked them off for “unruly behaviour.” A day later, the team flew home without incident, but only after Buffalo police escorted them to the airport.

A-shop-lifting we will go...

Image via E On Line

The 'Easy Come Easy Go' Award

… goes to The Real Housewives of D.C. TV star Michaele Salahi, who amassed a collection of more than 50 hotel bathrobes. According to her ex-husband, Tareq, Salahi's first action on checking into a room was to call housekeeping and report a missing gown. When a new one was sent up, she tucked it away in her suitcase. All went well until she ran off with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. In a pique of anger, Tareq sold the robes in a charity auction, along with other items Salahi left behind. They included bed linen, clothes, furniture and two original sculptures.

Image via Video Jug

The Mile Too High Club Award

… goes to Cathay Pacific. The carrier was publicly embarrassed when photographs of two crew members hit the Internet. The images showed a pilot and flight attendant engaged in a sexual act in a cockpit. Because of the publicity, the airline delayed the launch of a major ad campaign that was to feature staff members in informal poses. The tagline on the postponed ads read: “Meet the team who go the extra mile to make you feel special.”

Image via The Blaze

The 'Blame It on the Altitude' Award

… goes to airline passengers who misbehave. The alcohol-fuelled behaviour of two Research In Motion employees forced an Air Canada Toronto-to-Beijing flight to make an unscheduled stop in Vancouver. The men were put on probation, ordered to reimburse the airline $71,757 for the costs of the delay, banned from Air Canada for one year and lost their jobs at RIM. Full story here.

Aboard a Virgin Atlantic flight, a school teacher drank a half litre of whisky, then groped a steward and demanded sex. On another flight of the same airline, a married couple from London and the wife's 76-year-old father started a 30-minute punch-up with other passengers when they were asked to stop being noisy. And a young man flying with Thomson Airways went berserk and tried to open a door. “It's okay,” he told those who attempted to restrain him, “we are on a flight simulator.”

Image via Stillpoint Productions

The 'Get Off the Telephone' Award

… goes to Southwest Airlines, which ordered a Muslim woman off a flight prior to takeoff. Her crime: She was wearing a head scarf and a flight attendant thought she said, “It's a go” while on her cellphone. In fact, the woman said, “I've got to go,” as she ended her conversation.

Image via Sailors, Mariners and Warriors

The 'Un-anchored Mind' Award

… goes to a drunken passenger aboard the cruise ship Ryndam. Wearing gloves, he loosened the vessel's 18-tonne stern anchor and let it drop, then threw a life buoy overboard for good measure. Luckily, the ship wasn't disabled. The man was charged with attempting to damage the vessel. According to his lawyer, he was guilty only of “felony stupidity.”

Honey, I have the best reason in the world...

Image via Warming Glow

The 'Beating Yourself Up' Award

… goes to a Hamilton (Ontario)  man who felt pangs of guilt on a Chicago holiday with his wife. The couple had made the trip especially to attend the taping of Oprah's farewell TV show. So when hubby was unable to get tickets, he was afraid to tell his wife the bad news. Instead, he scraped his hand on a sidewalk, cut his head with a rock and told police that robbers had made off with the Winfrey passes.

A really nifty new application...

Image via The Awesome Site

The 'I Spy With My Little iPad' Award

… goes to thieves who broke into a house in Melbourne, knowing that the owner was on vacation. They made off with thousands of dollars in electronic appliances, alcohol, shoes and even a dog bed, then came back for more. Little did they know that the owner, 8,000 kilometres away in Mauritius, was watching them through security Web cameras on his iPad. He called a neighbour, who called police. The men were arrested at the scene.

Lost in reality.

Image via Eluzions Illusions

The 'Out in Left Field' Award

… goes to a couple who got lost in a corn maze on a Massachusetts farm. With a baby and another child in tow and the sun already set, they called 911 for assistance. The dispatcher stayed on the line and asked them to yell for help, while a police officer and his dog spent 10 minutes trying to locate them. As it turned out, they were less than eight metres from an exit.

Bees on a plane!

Image via Homesteading Year 5

The 'What's the Buzz' Award

… goes to a tipsy business-class passenger who sneaked two cardboard boxes filled with bees aboard a Yakutia Airlines flight within Russia. He claimed later that the airport deputy director in Blagoveshchensk asked him to deliver them to someone in Moscow. When the plane reached cruising altitude, the bees crawled out, causing passengers to panic. Flight attendants manoeuvred the boxes into a closet and taped the door shut. On arrival in Moscow, the bees were supposedly exterminated with insecticide. But at the plane's next destination, Barcelona, five bees were still alive.

Just fagged pit - plain and simple.

Image via Random Irish News

The 'To Whom It May Concern' Award

… goes to cabin crew members on a Virgin Atlantic flight to Glasgow. Upset on finding two of their colleagues sleeping in empty seats, they sent a rude message – complete with expletive – to TV screens in front of the nappers. Or so they thought. The airline later threatened disciplinary action after learning that the words “Get up, you cunts” had flashed on all screens in the premium-economy cabin.

London? We have a bit of a problem...

Image via The Telegraph

The 'Don't Call Us, We'll Call You' Award

… goes to Britons travelling and living abroad. They make so many weird requests to embassy staff that Foreign Office Minister Jeremy Browne issued a reminder that the government doesn't provide a concierge service. Some examples: A man in Bulgaria asked the consulate to sell his house. In Moscow, a woman wanted someone to fix a buzzing noise in her apartment. One caller asked for Phil Collins's phone number, another for the Prince of Wales's shoe size. And in Spain, a man begged assistance in contacting his dominatrix, who had left him stranded at the airport.

No! I don't want any damn milk and cookies!

Image via Top News

The 'It's the Thought That Counts' Award

… goes to Ryanair flight attendants for misdiagnosing a passenger who had a heart attack in flight. Assuming the man had low blood pressure, they brought him a sandwich and soft drink, according to his travelling companion, a nurse. The cabin crew never arranged for an ambulance to meet the flight nor did they help the man disembark on landing. But they insisted that he pay for the unsolicited snack.

No cash-ee, no fly-ee.

Image via Wired for Peace

The 'No Such Thing as a Free Ride' Award

… goes to passengers on a Comtel flight bound from India to Birmingham, England. At a scheduled refuelling stop in Vienna, they were given bad news. The carrier didn't have the £24,000 (about $38,600) needed for the fill-up. Their only choice if they wanted to reach their destination was to pass the hat. Those with empty wallets were escorted into the terminal to make ATM withdrawals.

Tweediley, Deediley Dee... 

Image via I Hate Ryanair

The 'Unsocial Network' Award

… goes to Qantas Airlines. It hoped to build goodwill when it launched a contest on Twitter. But the timing was bad. The carrier was in the middle of a nasty labour dispute and had just come out of a system-wide shutdown. Instead of the anticipated warm, fuzzy messages, it was bombarded with complaints and criticisms. Media experts called it the greatest PR failure in Australian history.

Drug Mules

Image via Tripping and Stumbling

The 'This Too Will Pass' Award

… goes to three men from Nigeria who flew into Washington Dulles Airport on separate days over a three-month period. Each was pulled over for secondary questioning at customs because of suspicious answers to questions and obviously distended stomachs. All were given X-rays, which revealed something foreign in their abdomens. Eventually, in custody, the men passed a total of 285 pellets of heroin with a total street value of $354,000 (U.S.). They won't be flying back to Nigeria soon.

Sittin' an' hopin' an' waitin' an... 

Image via The Cheap Route

The 'Please Remain Seated' Award

… goes to Air India, which turned a minor weather problem into a frustrating ordeal for more than 200 London-bound passengers. Because of fog at Heathrow, the aircraft was diverted 70 kilometres away to another London airport, Gatwick. Presumably the airline could have let the passengers off to find their own way to London, or alternately transported them to Heathrow by train or bus. Instead, it kept them trapped on the plane for nine hours without any food. Here are some of the excuses provided by the carrier: No food was available because Air India's caterers are at Heathrow. A new flight crew had to be brought in from Heathrow because the original staff had worked their maximum hours. The new crew got lost en route.

He learned from the best.

Images via People & The Dirt

The 'Taught by a Master' Award

… goes to Poison rocker Bret Michaels, who took credit for actor Charlie Sheen's bad behaviour. Michaels claimed he taught the former star of Two and a Half Men how to wreck a hotel room. Sheen wasn't doing a good job at first, Michaels told Access Hollywood. "I said, ‘You gotta really let it out, man! You gotta let it out and bust this stuff.'"

Smoking in bed is dangerous to your health.

Image via vi.sualise.us

The 'Bedtime Stories' Award

… goes to Material Girl Madonna, who doesn't like sleeping where others have slept. Before checking into Berlin's trendy Soho House with boyfriend Brahim Zaibat, she insisted that her room be repainted and outfitted with new furniture. She also demanded 50 bottles of Kabbalah water for her entourage. The cost to the hotel – which had been open less than a year – was more than $20,000.

Maybe this is a gesture you'll understand.

Image via Mostly Random Photos, Eh?

The 'Back of the Bus' Award

… goes to the New Zealand bus driver who barred entry to Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard. He said she couldn't come on board with the other national leaders – all of them men – who were attending a Pacific Islands Forum in Auckland. Instead, he told her, she was supposed to take the following bus for wives.

Okay, which one was it?

Image via Pramugari News

The 'Boys Will Be Boys' Award

… goes to a male Virgin Blue flight attendant who decided to join in a family's midair game. A father and 17-month-old son were amusing themselves playing peek-a-boo, but the steward must have thought it was hide-and-seek. He picked up the toddler, placed him in an overhead luggage bin and closed the latch. The airline fired him.

Ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem...

Image via Stock Pictures

The 'Take a Stand' Award

… goes to Pennsylvania businessman Arthur Berkowitz. He had just settled into an aisle seat for a nearly seven-hour flight home from Anchorage when a last-minute passenger took the plane's only remaining seat next to him. The new seatmate weighed more than 400 pounds and needed half of Berkowitz's space to fit in. Berkowitz was forced to stand in the aisle or galley for most of the flight. US Airways apologized, but the best offer it came up with was a $200 voucher toward a future flight. It didn't say if a seat was included.

Just can't hold it!

Image via Journal du Net

The 'Je Ne Regrette Rien' Award

… goes to French actor Gérard Depardieu. He told CNN that he had no regrets about being thrown off a CityJet plane while it was taxiing for takeoff. His crime: peeing in a bottle and letting some of it spill in the aisle. A flight attendant, he explained, had turned down his request to use the toilet. “So I took the bottle and I peed. It felt beautiful,” he said. “The bottle was too small. I am an elephant!”

Getting down to basics...

Image via Best & Worst of Horror

The 'I Do Declare' Award

… goes to a 36-year-old woman who was tired of being strip searched at customs whenever she flew into Bermuda from London. So when officials asked if they could search her luggage, she took off all her clothes in the queue. “If you want to see me naked,” she said, “you can do it right fucking here.”

Showers on a plane...

Image via The Daily Mail UK

The 'Sky's the Limit' Award

… goes to those Virgin Atlantic passengers who stymie flight attendants with outlandish demands. According to a staff survey, the most common bizarre requests are: “Please can you open the window?” and “Can you show me to the showers?” Then there are the passengers who want the captain to stop the turbulence and turn down the noisy engines. One flier inquired whether there was a McDonald's on board. And another asked for a cup of tea and a massage for her Barbie doll.

Image via English Russia 

The 'I Hear You Knocking' Award

… goes to a Chautauqua Airlines pilot who accidentally locked himself in the toilet on a New York-bound flight. His banging on the door attracted a helpful passenger who promised to alert the co-pilot. Unfortunately, the would-be rescuer had a heavy accent. When he relayed the pilot's plight at the cockpit door, the co-pilot thought the man was a terrorist and refused to let him in. Luckily, the pilot eventually freed himself, but not before fighter planes had been alerted.

Really, I was just foolin' around...

Image via YouTube

The Wrong Place Wrong Time Award

… goes to a would-be robber in Los Angeles. The man had no idea when he held up a hotel at gunpoint that some of the hotel's guests were there for the World Jiu-Jitsu No-Gi Championship. Answering the desk clerk's calls for help, two amateur martial-arts competitors wrestled the man to the ground and relieved him of his semiautomatic handgun and sack of money. The entire episode was caught by the hotel's video camera and posted on YouTube

Sources: AP, Access Hollywood, BBC, Chicago Tribune, Daily Mail, Elliott.org, Herald-Sun, Homeland Security, Moscow Times, New York Post, Reuters, South China Morning Post, Sun Media, Sunday Tribune, The Daily Telegraph, The Evening Standard, The Hamilton Spectator, The Oregonian, The Sun, The Tallahassee Democrat, The Telegraph, The Times, The Times-Picayune, The Washington Times, Toronto Star, Travel Industry Today, TMZ.com.

Text via The Globe and Mail

Spooky Reading

Buy it here✔ 

What lies beneath...

I honestly cannot find anything that tops what has already appeared above. 

UPDATE

I did find something but it only starts 

to get weird at the 3:30 mark!

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