Is there life after death? Now, I’m not talking about the esoteric, philosophical concept of existing beyond the veil, following our final exit from life here on earth. The death I am talking about is a little closer to home. It’s that pernicious and lingering state of inaction in the bedchamber. If you have been teamed with your significant other for more than two or three years, you probably know what I’m talking about. Exactly when was the last time the two of you enthusiastically rumpled the percale in true gay abandon? Yeah, I know, it’s probably been a while!
Now, remember what it was like when you and your main-squeeze first started “the romance of the century!” In the good old days, you couldn’t get enough of each other. Life back in your “courting” phase was a kind of fugue; a fever hotter than a pepper sprout. The heat of discovery kept those home fires burning at scorching, white-hot temperatures. Then, eventually, you got used to each other and life got back in the way. Now, five or ten years later, here you are – more like siblings than lovers! This isn’t what you signed up for! Right? And it’s not likely what your partner envisioned either.
So who is to blame? Well, actually, nobody, according to Canadian psychologist, John Langston. “Slowing down in the conjugal bed is a natural progression of aging, changing of priorities and simply having less time to engage in sex play.” But what happens in a relationship when the sex stops all together? Why does it happen? Do other people also silently exist in sexless partnerships and marriages? And if it’s more common than we might imagine, what can be done about it? All will be revealed in due course. The phenomenon of the marital bed becoming a cold, passionless hiding place, connoting all that is missing in a relationship rather than the deepest expression of love and intimacy, is most definitely not a new one. The term bed death was first coined by University of Washington sociologist, Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book American Couples. Actually, it was first called lesbian bed deathbecause, according to Schwartz, lesbians have less sex than any other kind of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts. But, in the real-life world,lesbians aren’t the only ones who suffer from a marked decline in ardor as the years roll by. So,regardless of the couple’s sexual orientation, bed death can and does happen – a lot!
Does this mean everybody’s relationships are doomed to the bed death crypt? No! If there is a God or Goddess above us, please, no! If you don’t want it to go that way, then it doesn’t have to. But like most things worth keeping, sustaining a healthy sex life takes plenty of work – but it’s an occupation you already know you like, so theoretically, it shouldn’t be a chore.
“You really have to have the intention to keep or rekindle the romance and affection in your relationship,” Mindy Jacobs, a psychologist in Washington, DC says. “It takes work to keep the romance alive in your relationship. Intimacy ebbs and flows. You have to feed it. You can own a Rolls Royce, but if you never change the oil, eventually it won't work.”
But what exactly leads to bed death in the first place? Unfortunately, the list can go on forever. Anger is one efficient way to kill sex in a relationship. If the misunderstandings and hurts in your relationship are not being addressed, they’ll show up in the bedroom. Withholding sex – consciously or unconsciously – may be rooted in anger but also may be a sign of a power imbalance within the relationship. The partner who feels less in control or under-valued will often use sexual output, or the lack of it, to assert themselves. In this situation, men may not be able to raise or sustain an erection and rather than deal with this additional “failure,” they simply lose desire for sex.
If your partner has been sexually abused, major problems can arise in the relationship. After the initial relationship rush, things may get too hot emotionally. There might be too much intimacy to handle. Sex may bring on anxiety, terror, depression or dissociation. If your partner has a history of sex abuse, support them in getting to a therapist. Just remember therapy is not a quick fix but it can help heal deep wounds. And keep in mind you cannot “fix it” for them, no matter how much you love them.
Fear of rejection can also lead to loss of libido. While opening themselves up in a very intimate way can be wonderfully exciting for most people, for some it brings out fear and anxiety. They are unable to deal with the venerability that emerges as the relationship heats up and they shut down. Linked to this is having a good education in “the bedroom arts.” Although they wouldn’t ever admit it, a lot of people – both men and women – have never bothered to actually learn much about sex or how to be a good lover.
Lasting sex – let’s make that great lasting sex – with a long-term partner requires patience, exploration and continual risk-taking. If one or both of you are too shy, embarrassed or immature to talk about sex, then you are sending bed death an engraved invitation. Like most things in life, open communication is the key to a fulfilling relationship and a long-lasting sex life. Take baby steps at first. Do something easy and fun. Buy a copy of that old goodie, The Joy of Sex and read it together. It’s bound to get those juices flowing and the balls rolling, so-to-speak. Being creative and spontaneous will also help to light his/her fire.
“Having sex on your kitchen table is silly, but it’s a fun and simple example of creativity,” sayspsychologist, Michael Radkowsky, also based in DC. “It also means letting your partner get to know you more intimately. Talk. Tell your partner what you like; what’s hot for you. It’s also about risk-taking and doing that is difficult for a lot of people.”
Bottom line, a sexless relationship may be a symptom of any number of things. However, the longer the relationship, the more effort the couple will have to make if they want to revive their faded sex life. It may be a time-worn cliché, but it is too-too true: use it or lose it! If you keep the fire stoked, you can and will reap all the intimate rewards available in your relationship. But if you let your sexual intimacy wither and die, your love for each other may well remain but the passion will be gone. And who really wants that when you could still have it all?
I wish I could say this doesn't
happen in South Africa
but the truth is superstition and
the belief in witchcraft
permeates most African cultures
– even "westernized" nations like SA.
'Magic penis' killing set for trial date
By Mandla Khoza
Malalane - A trial date is expected to be set on Thursday [June 2] for 12 people arrested in connection with setting a pastor alight after accusing him of using a magic penis to sleep with women.
The nine men and three women, aged between 28 and 50 will appear in the Boschfontein periodical court in Mpumalanga on charges murder and arson. The villagers, among them a community induna (headman), were arrested on February 24 after Albert Malwane, a pastor of the Izwi Zion Christian Church, was burnt to death the day before.
Mpumalanga police spokesperson Leonard Hlathi said that Malwane had been dragged from his one-roomed house in the Etitandini informal settlement near Jeppes Reef south of Malalane and taken to a hill, where he was set alight.Malwane's house was also burnt and his wife and daughter went into hiding. Community members had accused him of talking to animals and using an invisible penis to sleep with women in the informal settlement. They also accused his wife of turning into a snail and terrorising the community.The villagers also complained that Malwane's family had used muti to make then sick after Malwane's death. One of the accused had to be carried into the Boschfontein periodical court when the 12 appeared in court on April 8. Timothy Malwane, the father of the deceased, believes a curse was released at the pastor’s funeral.The 12 accused have not been asked to plead. Re-blogged from SA News24
Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in.
It’s true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn’t true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis – but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood’s top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.
We know what you’re thinking – where’s Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt’s magic wand willy is that magic, OK?
If you need us at any point over the weekend, we’ll be at Brad Pitt’s house. You’ll be able to tell who we are – we’ll be dressed in a slinky frock like the one Bugs Bunny wears when he tries to woo Elmer Fudd, and we’ll be trotting up and down Brad’s driveway with half our bum hanging out and three packets of Rohypnol in our handbag.
Because, lord, look at the statistics. The last two people who Brad Pitt slept with were probably Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have just been named as the top two highest-earning actresses in Hollywood. So it’s definitely worth trying to have sex with Brad Pitt. True, we might end up being dealt a rubbish hand like Gwyneth Paltrowwas and end up getting married to a whining gonk from a crap band, but that’s a chance we’d be prepared to take.
Because Brad Pitt must be the reason why Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have done so will in this Forbes list. He must be. Look at the films that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have released in the last year – some cack about a dog, a gormless procession of slow motion explosions, a Ben Affleckfilm and an over-serious lot of piff that involved little more than wearing a hat and shrieking “Where’s my son?” seven hundred billion times in a row – you can’t seriously tell us that people liked any of those, can you?
But, hey, what do we know? Forbes reports:
Between June 2008 and June 2009, Jolie earned an estimated $27 million. Much of that came from her share of the profits on Wanted, but she also scored a fat upfront check for Salt. Coming in second behind Jolie is Jennifer Aniston. Aniston earned $25 million.
We should probably point out that there’s still a vast gender gulf when it comes to Hollywood earnings. Angelina Jolie might have earnt $27 million in the last year, but that’s nothing compared to the $65 million that Harrion Ford earnt in the same period of time. And he earnt it for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. What sort of sick world is this?
But back to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. What are they going to spend all their money on? Well, there’s a chance that Angelina Jolie will dedicate a portion of it to her various philanthropic works. And Jennifer Aniston? Well that army of winged monkeys won’t train itself to attack Angelina Jolie by smell alone by itself, will it? Re-blogged from Heckler Spray
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